Unquestionably this blogger felt judged, but was confident enough not to let it affect her too greatly. What the breastfeeding mother didn’t know was that the young mother had tried to breastfeed and that it was a great struggle for her to decide to discontinue breastfeeding and that it was an even greater struggle to feel confident in her decision.
This blog hit particularly close to home for me. I too struggled with breastfeding and made the tough decision to discontinue. It was the hardest decision I have had to make as a mother thus far and I feel fortunate that I have not been put in a position where I’ve had to defend myself nor have I been in a situation where I felt judged for my decision.
Still, I think it would be beneficial for me to share the story of how we came to the decision to discontinue breastfeeding if for nothing else, to serve as a reminder to myself and Aaron. We hope to have more children someday so we may reflect on this entry sometime down the line to help guide us if we are faced with the same difficulties with any future children.
When I was pregnant I was very gung-ho about giving breastfeeding a good faith effort. When people would ask if I was going to breastfeed I would answer, “I’m going to try!” When they’d ask how long I planned to breastfeed, I’d respond, “As long as I can!”
I had doubters, but I didn’t let that deter me or diminish my spirit. I envisioned that my son would be placed on my chest immediately after delivery and I was sure that in those first few moments he’d sniff his way to the breast and latch on just like that! That’s what happened in the video they showed in the breastfeeding class, and I believed that if my heart was in it, I'd have the same experience.
Well, from the get-go things were not as easy as that. I delivered by c-section after developing an infection from prolonged labor. During the c-section I was put to sleep and, therefore, our first moments were not as I had envisioned.
Macario was given formula from the bottle right from the start while I was temporarily incapacitated. When I woke up in recovery my son was in a bassinet out of my reach and, thanks to my infection, was soon taken to the NICU for observation. I stayed up that night pumping every hour to stimulate my breasts to produce milk and my nurses would deliver my milk to the NICU nurses who would bottle-feed it to my son.
When he was released from the NICU and brought to my room, the nurses helped me to start breastfeeding right away. He resisted, but I persisted. At every feeding I offered the breast and per the nurses instruction we would spend some time trying to get him to latch on before offering him the bottle. He always chose the bottle. It was less work for him and the milk flowed more freely from the bottle than the breast. He understood that the bottle would produce milk much more quickly than my breasts could and so he quickly became very impatient with my breast.
We tried different positions, a nipple shield and even used a syringe to squirt milk into his mouth as he tried to latch on to indicate to him that if he would just suck milk would come out. The nurses would come in to help, but they were really physical with my baby forcing his head onto my breast while he screamed and it would bring me to tears. I hated to see them do that to him and even had to tell them to stop when I couldn’t stand to do that to him anymore. It wasn’t that he couldn’t latch on it was that he didn’t want to. He wanted the fast flowing bottle!
When we got him home, I continued to start every feeding at the breast hoping that he’d eventually learn to like it, but the feedings always ended with a bottle. Since he was such a pro at bottle feeding, I decided I’d just bottle feed him my breast milk not realizing what that would mean for me.
I ended up in this cycle of bottle feeding breast milk, then getting Mac to sleep, then assembling my pump, spending 30 minutes pumping milk for the next feeding, putting the milk away, disassembling my pump and then spending several minutes cleaning all the parts. By the time I was done with all of that, Mac would be awake again and I’d have no time to rest. And because I was pumping, my breasts were not producing as much milk as was needed so we still had to supplement with formula!
Though all of this was exhausting and I was feeling defeated, I silently suffered through the exhaustion and continued to keep up the pattern because I wanted my son to have my milk. I felt it was best. One day as I pumped, Aaron called to check on us from work. He asked if I was OK. I flatly said, “I wish I didn’t have to pump right now.” His response, “Then don’t. Our son will be fine without it and he’d be better off with you being happy.”
He was completely right. A happy mom equals a happy baby. I was being weighed down, emotionally and physically by my own pressure to feed Macario breast milk. I was not enjoying being a new mother as much as I would have if I had not pressured myself so greatly. I knew I would be so much happier if I could just start feeling like myself again and not like a dairy cow.
Knowing that my husband supported me in the decision to discontinue breastfeeding was all I needed to feel comfortable with it. Before then, I would make myself feel awful for even considering not breastfeeding.
I know that there are a ton of benefits to feeding your child breast milk versus formula, but I also know that children benefit greatly from the positive and loving interaction they have with their parents. While I was trying to do what I was trained to think was right I was ignoring my maternal instinct which was telling me that something wasn't right.
For whatever reason, my son did not take to the breast, but he is thriving on the formula. He has never had a bad response to his Similac Advance and he is a strong, healthy, intelligent little boy.
Maybe he missed out on some really great benefits that only breast milk can provide, but maybe those are sacrifices well made in exchange for a beautiful Mother-Son relationship that is not weighed down by a sense of guilt over not doing the right thing.
I'm confident in my decision, now more than ever. And I will not pass judgment on anyone for their decision one way or the other.
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| Mmm. Formula. |
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