Feeling Low

Today has been a rough day for me as far as how I feel about myself.

It's been a culmination of things leading to how poorly I feel about myself as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, person, etc.

First of all, I never seem to be able to accomplish as much as I want or need to on any given day. Something is always getting in my way and I guess I just don't handle those curve balls as well as others.

Aaron tends to agree that I'm not as productive as I can be, so I don't think the problem is me being overly ambitious and therefore feeling defeated each day. The problem really is that I just don't get enough done.

I also feel like a bad wife because I just can't seem to handle any criticism right now. It just cuts right through me and I hate that I'm so vulnerable to it. I know I should be more open to criticism especially if its meant to help improve me as a person, but I just can't take it.

Then there's motherhood. In general, I know I'm a good mom. That doesn't mean there aren't times when I feel like I'm failing.

I have less than two weeks left of maternity leave and I feel bad that I'm spending so much of the remainder being so distracted by this move.

Mac hasn't had a nap in his bed all week. He keeps falling asleep in the car on the trips to pick up our stuff or run errands.

Tonight he fought his sleep hard and all I wanted to do was get him to sleep so I could get things done. I'm so mad at myself for being so tunnel visioned instead of being what he needed me to be tonight.

I also feel bad about the state of some of my relationships with others. I don't feel I've done enough to build up some on the relationships in my life. I avoided dealing with things or let my anger or frustration guide my decision making and it hasn't been to anyone's benefit.

Then there's the eczema on my hands. It sounds so stupid, but its so raging that it hurts to do anything with my hands. Even changing a diaper is torture sometimes. There are even times I wake up wringing my fingers from the itch and this keeps me up. Not to mention how often I'm up with the boys.

I'm also exhausted. Most nights I get 3 hours of sleep total. I am afraid of what that will result in once I go back to work.

The list goes on and on.

I hope that I can gain some perspective soon and pull myself out of this state I'm in.

I have two beautiful reasons to be happy